MS Update

Well its been a week since I started Copaxone. I was so scared of the idea of injecting myself before I started I was sure that I was going to break down that first time, but I didn't. I have yet to break down about any of it...do you think I am in DENIAL?

The injections are going perfectly, no problems yet. It really doesn't hurt as much as you would think, the needle is so small and its all over in a few seconds. It will take time for it to help, and I know that there are sure to be bumpy roads ahead, since MS is one of the most unpredictable diseases...there are no road maps.

For those of you reading this that have MS and take Copaxone what were/are your side effects? I have been feeling sleepless, a little more tired than normal, and some nausea (but it could be nerves and the stresses of trying to buy a house, which prepare yourself you will be hearing alot more about in the weeks to come.)

It's strange to reach out to complete strangers and I now have something in common with because I have MS.

"Friendship is born at that moment 

when one person says to another

 'What! You too?' I thought I was the only one."

 ~ C.S. Lewis

Hope for the Weary Mom - Chapter 4

Chapter 4. When Life Hurts To Much 

Whether its loss, pain, or struggles we all have times in life when life itself hurts to much. Sometimes when we hurt so much we close off our hearts due to the pain. "My heart is constantly waiting for the next sucker-punch of life." -Hope for the Weary Mom

The past few years have been filled with set backs, hard times, and disappointments. A kind of numbness settles in when bad things keep happening. You kind of stop feeling sad when the next bad thing hits. When we experience rough times, pain, or loss we need to turn towards God instead of turning away and closing off our hearts. But the best thing is He will always be waiting to welcome us back.

Mom's seem to feel life more deeply, we hurt when our kids hurt or are sick. We are often wounded by other women in our life's instead of being encouraged. We often feel alone as mothers and wives, or feel less when we compare ourselves to others. Life is hard for everyone, but we women are emotional creatures and life often sweeps our feet out from under us.

From my journal,

The recent hardships in my life - As you have read I was diagnosed with Relapsing and Remitting Multiple Sclerosis (RRMS) in May, I have been dealing with chronic lower back pain since 2010, my oldest daughter is having some trouble with drugs, alcohol and has become sexually active with no remorse or thought about the promise she made to save herself for marriage or obey our house rules, my youngest is a crazy active little spark that tries my limits everyday, and I wish my husband would be a stronger Christian and take the lead more often.

2. Since I reinvested myself in my faith I have really tried not to second guess God's plan, But there are times when I have to remind myself "God only gives us what we handle." Guided studies and books for christian women have really been my saving grace, plus I love sharing my thoughts here on the blog.

3. I closed off my heart and turned away from God shortly before having my oldest daughter (from shame). I just floated along through life, investing way to much into the life's of my friends. I think I was searching for that loving and supportive relationship that only God can provide. It took all my friends turning away from me to realize this, that I needed to reconnect and reinvest my time with God. 

5. God had a plan for us before we are even born. He is there to keep us on that path. To guide us down the right road. As mother's we need to lead our children down this road with us. Because of free will we sometimes take a side road, or get off at the wrong exit. But God is our map, always constant and willing to lead us. Sometimes those wrong turns give us the experience to handle something later. I think sometimes the struggle of control leads to things not going our way as a lesson / reminder that God is in control. We need to live life under God's plan not our own. 

Hope for the Weary Mom - Chapter 3

3. When you just don't measure up

In chapter three the idea of "removing the veil" is talked about. Saying out load all of our shortcomings as moms. Telling others about our struggles. This is not an easy thing for most moms, we take pride in being "perfect" moms, so to show what really happens inside our homes is hard. It makes us feel that we just don't measure up, we are less than other moms. 

Do you ever hide behind Fine? You know when your having a bad day or things are rough and someone asks how are you? and you answer "fine". I do this all the time, hide my feelings and pain behind the word FINE. Only my best friend and my husband know that FINE is a lie. 

I know that I put unrealistic expectations on myself and my kids, plus I feel expectations from others. And then when I don't meet these expectations I will broken, angry, and depressed. The thing I need to remember, that we all need to remember, is He has no expectations of me. "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

I need to ask for hope and grace for "He has no expectations of me."

From my journal,

1. I struggle with stress every day. It turns me into another person. I become a sharp, short and angry person that I don't want to be. Part of that comes from wanting to be the "perfect" mom and wife and I just can't let go of that image. Words that I use to describe me are "messy, worn out, and out of control."

2. I think 20% of the time the words I used to describe me are true. I don't think God has the same opinion. I can image him telling me to slow down. To not try and do it all, to have others help me and get organized so I can get more done in a timely manner. I learn that there are things that wait until tomorrow, prioritize. 

3. Do you every compare yourself, your family, your finances and your home to others? How often? I do it all the time, many many times a day. And then I feel like I'm less, have less, and don't' measure up!

4. Verses of Strength:

Philippians 4:13

Psalms 116:2

2 Timothy 1:7

James 4:8

Jeremiah 29:11

Hope for the Weary Mom - Chapter 2

2. Embracing Our Weakness

This chapter spoke straight to my heart and situation when we had our youngest. None of our friends had babies all their kids were 8 and over, so when I had Cloe I didn't have a girlfriend to talk to about being a new mom again (my girls are 10 years apart). I saw rather quickly how my friends didn't send me invitations hang at the lake go shopping. And I felt that my having a little one was a burden and I was alone. As she got older her energy level was through the roof and still is, a bit of a wild child. She was a toddler into everything within arms reach, even my best friend said she wasn't going to rearrange her house to accommodate a toddler that wasn't her own. Ouch right? So I started to withdraw BIG time, I didn't want to go anywhere because my house was all set up for your little one. Even now I still feel big time stress when going shopping or going to a new place with Cloe. This stress presents itself as embarrassment, anger, hateful feelings, and being really snappy and short with Cloe. 

This past Tuesday my husband and I plus Cloe and our real estate agent went and looked at 2 homes that are currently occupied. When we got home I was completely stressed to the max. I snapped and yelled at my little Cloe and my husband and it carried over into yesterday. I started an injectable medication for my MS and the stress of it all broke me. I felt alone! But this feeling is often a lie, a lie to keep us walled off from our loved ones and God. The key is to EMBRACE OUR WEAKNESS 

Brooke and Stacey write "It's OK to feel lost. It's OK to need help. It's OK to be weak."

2 Corinthians 12:9 & 10

" "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me." "For when I am, then I am strong" "

Its important to be honest about where you are in life, what your going through, who you are, and who you are not.

From my Journal,

Since my post above was rather long and I will share the answer to question  3 & 5.

3. Not being the mom I think I should be makes me feel sad, let down, frustrated, and incomplete. I want to be so much better, have more time, share, and talk more. My teenager makes me feel like I can never be what she needs. HELPLESSNESS

What are my weaknesses

1. Not enough patience (even my husband agreed with this one)

2. Quick to make a negative assessment

3. Jumping to conclusions

4. I get stressed out quickly and easily

5. I use harsh words and / or a harsh tone

Hope for the Weary Mom - Chapter 1

1. Why God Meets Us in Our Mess

Sometimes as mom's we tend to internalize everything, our feelings, our thoughts, our fears, our shortcomings, all of it. We end up with a really messy heart, sometimes just like our homes. I tend to be super controlling and a little OCD, so when my home gets messy I feel completely stressed and overwhelmed. I feel the same way when my heart gets messy, dizzy with feelings of sadness, anger, and fear. This is not a good way to live let alone be a mom to the ever watchful eyes of impressionable littles. 

The good news is God will always come meet us in our mess. He welcomes us into his comforting and loving arms with whispers of HOPE, GRACE, and begins to change us from the inside out. Hebrews 13:9 says "Your strength comes from God's grace..."

God is super willing to join us in the middle of our messes, but God savors an invitation into this place. 

"Fill it (my heart) with Your presence and begin working on the inside who you want me to be on the outside." - Hope for the Weary Mom

From my journal -

1. As I grow older I feel more overwhelmed wit my messes (both physical and in my heart / mind), they seem to grow overnight and when I wake up in the morning I'm more overwhelmed and unsure of where to start.

2. I envy other moms who have it all together. The whole look and manage to be at every game and every birthday party. Their house are spotless and they manage to get the whole family to church on time.

3. I think the changes that God makes in our hearts lead to changes in our circumstance. Once the inside mess is cleaned up it frees us to be better and THRIVE. Like the Casting Crowns song says

"We know we were made for so much more than ordinary lives

Its time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive"

I will skip question / answer number four as it pertains to the book itself.

5. I have gotten pretty good, especially lately, at hiding how tired I am. Their are nights when I am exhausted, but I still tidy up the house before I go to bed, and then wake up early to do the laundry before the heat of the day hits. I think a mom doesn't have the luxury of hiding under the covers or falling apart. My hope is that God would throw his arms around me and comfort me - wash my tiredness and pain away.

Renew Me

New study - Hope for the Weary Mom

I just stared reading Hope for the Weary Mom by Stacy Thacker and Brooke McGlothlin, and I love it! I am already on chapter three, but I think it might be a great book and subject to discuss here on the blog.

Can be found @ http://www.amazon.com/Hope-Weary-Mom

"Right now, I have nothing to give. Nothing. Nada. I’m tired and don’t feel good and honestly, I want a break from everything. It’s not that I want to leave my family, trade them in, or get new ones. I WANT to be with them. I just want a break from hard hearts, discipline, correction." This book is written by two mom's who are just like the rest of us, just trying to figure out how to be a great mom. "Stacey and Brooke understand the hearts and needs of moms today. They speak with a voice that’s encouraging, authentic and will draw in readers from many different seasons and stages of life that have one thing in common: they need hope." ~Holley Gerth, author of You're Already Amazing

At the end of each chapter there are 5 prompt questions that I am choosing to answer in my journal during my quiet time. This is not a book review type of post, I wanted to share my struggles as a mom with all of you, and hope that this will help put me on a less bumpy as a mom. Maybe by my opening up to what I;m going through I can be there for another mom who is going through the same thing. I really encourage you to follow along and interact through comments and emails to this series. 

A Whirlwind

The past 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of medical information, trying to purchase a house, feeling like crap / being in pain, kids getting into trouble and kids getting sick. Today I am nearing my wits end...I am exhausted and just don't feel good. And I don't want to deal with house offers, missing meds, and my youngest' nasty cough.

I really want to climb in the bath and then crawl into bed and stay there for the next few days. But there is no possible way that I can do that, the bath ok maybe. But I'm a mom and a wife I have things to get done and my family to take care of, I can't just check out. Today I'm just praying for my daughter to feel better and not have her third double ear infection in two months, and for my oldest who is making really bad choices and getting into trouble to have a new beginning. It's funny how when I feel like throwing in the towel my prayers are always for others to get better or be better. Maybe I need to turn my prayer attention to myself...

God -

Please hold my hand and keep me in your comforting arms. Help through feeling bad and through the pain. Speak to my heart on buying a house. Help me to stay strong in body and spirit through dealing with RRMS. Thank you for keeping my family safe and for the many blessing we receive. Without your love and guidance we would be wondering in the dark.

Please help Shay away from the friends that are leading her astray. Help her make good choices and be the bright happy kid she should be. Please give her a crossroads and guide her down a path where she wont have regrets and heartache. Remind her of your love and that her family loves her, we only want great things for her.

Amen