Happy Fall Yall

Finally fall has come to Northern California. 

So much has happened since my last post...

After painting for four days and getting all new carpet,

We finally got all moved into our new house,

both girls started school (Shay as a freshman and Cloe in preschool),

Shay decided to run away from home for 24 hours,

and my MS has been kicking my butt.

Its been a crazy 2 months thats for sure!

Today my house smells like the stew that's in the crock pot and its overcast from the rain last night. 

It finally feels like fall, my favorite season.

Since its so late in the week I will finish the last two chapters of the Namesake study next week.

Here are a few photos from the past couple weeks.

Namesake Week 5 and 6 Postponed Till After The Move

Well moving day is quickly approaching and I have soooo much to do to get ready, so I have postponed the final 2 chapters of namesake till after we move. Moving is one of the worst things. Between choosing paint colors, packing, training the dog and going on a weekend trip to see my parents things are going to get very busy. Not to mention all the things that I have to get done during and after the move.

I normally do really good with moves, but with my back issues and now the MS I find moving really hard. I want to help and I can't so I have to turn over control to others. Tell people where to put things and unload as I can. Plus try and keep Cloe busy and out of the way. Whewww I'm tired just thinking about it all.

Currently I'm on the hunt for meals to make ahead and eat during the move, so we aren't eating out for three days. I will post some meal recipes that I find tomorrow or Friday.

Namesake Week 1 Day 4: Waiting On God

Today's scripture Genesis 18:15, Genesis 8:6-12, 1 Samuel 1:1-22 and Luke 2:25-35

Additional reading about waiting Psalm 27:14, Psalm 130:5-7 and Isaiah 40:31

In this chapter Jessica talks about her trials to conceive a child, all the doctor appointments, tests, and waiting. I can completely understand it has been three long years of trying to get a diagnosis and treatment for my lower back pain and come to find out just this year that I also have MS (Multiple Sclerosis). That phrase "Hurry up and wait" is exactly how things have gone these few years and it has been one of the most trying times in my life. Just like Abraham and Sarah I have spent countless hours of worry, waiting, hoping, praying and praying some more.

Letting God be in control and trusting him can be the hardest thing we have to do sometimes. God's promise of "I Will" (from chapter 3) means that God is responsible and He has our lives in His hands, and not in our own. Learning how to wait well is a really important skill because we will always be waiting on or for something. Waiting on the blessings can sometimes be a blessing in disguise because we have to rely on God more than ever.

Have thin own way, Lord! Have thine own way!

Thou art the potter, I am the clay.

Mold me and make me after they will,

while I am waiting, yielding and still.

                                           -Adelaide A Pollard

I am a control freak often times, I try to think of and plan for everything. I worry, over analyse, and try to plan out my own future. All of this OCD craziness ends of making me stressed and in the end disappointed. Waiting strips us of the illusion that we are the ones who make things happen and it forces us to acknowledge that God is the one in control. We know that God has dreams and has made us promises, but he never delivers a timeline. We must learn to trust in God's plan of "I Will" and simply wait. We have to release control to God. In the last week of this home buying situation I prayed and gave all the stress and worry over to God. 

God, I give it all up to you. I know this is not in my control. If its your will that my family and I get this house then please let it be. Please Lord take away our stress and worry. Help us find comfort in the fact that you have your hands in this and be satisfied with the results. I know that if its not in your will you will help us find our way. Amen

If we hope and search for God He will listen, answer and turn to us. He will not leave us alone for He hears our cries the most when we truly need His help. All of the waiting in the past three years has molded me. Its made me appreciate and be more thankful for what I have. It has made my relationships with everyone stronger and richer, and although I'm still learning - it has been me understand that I have to slow down. 

I have made a promise over the next few weeks that when I am in a situation of waiting that I will put down my phone, turn off the TV, or whatever else is a distraction and look around. Listen, talk to people and fully be present in the waiting. I'm sure there is a message or lesson that can be found in the waiting, otherwise wouldn't God just make what I'm waiting for instantly happen?

Hope for the Weary Mom - Chapter 7

7. Coming to the End of Yourself

How do I fight with all I have to love deeper, stronger, longer, and harder? Especially when I'm weary and have little left?

Am I on the right path? And leading my girls and husband down the right path?

These are questions I ask myself all the time, are you asking yourself similar questions?

Today I woke up in so much pain, from my back. I am always slow in the morning, I call it my granny time. I took my meds and got no relief. Its frustrating and makes me mad that I have these limitations. That when I have ten million things to do I am unable to do any of them.

Just like this chapter says I'm trudging and overwhelmed with the never-ending exhausting tasks of being a wife and mother, but then I also have the MS, injections, doctor appointments, and chronic back pain. My youngest has had a ear infection every month since April so she too has meds and follow up appointment, I see tubes in her ears in the near future. 

TIRED...that's how I feel all the time! I guess I'm coming to the end of myself and I'm having to face my sins and shortcomings.

It's important that we set aside come quiet time with God to admit our sins and shortcomings. To go to the alter, where we can empty our hearts mess out to God, where He can meet us and bless us with grace and joy. When we do this it invites the Lord to speak to us, show his unconditional love, support and He will always welcome us into his arms.

"Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus"

Worship is the greatest way to refuel.

"The joy dwelling place is found in the Lord."

From my journal,

Page 85 really spoke to me

"See the thing about worship is that it acknowledges in the very deepest part of our souls that we need Him. We can't take this journey on our own. We need the very presence of the Lord to strengthen and guide us. We need Him every hour...He wants to whisper into your heart that He loves you and will never let you go."

3. You can find an alter to kneel upon anywhere and at anytime. Make sure to make an appointment with God to kneel and meet Him.

4. Places I have met God (knelt at the alter):

Standing all alone in my living room

When I'm out on a motorcycle ride with my husband, I always feel free and joyous in times like these and pray prayers of thankfulness

In bed at time right before I fall asleep

In the car

5. My goal is to create a space in my home that is all mine where I can have a desk. A place I can sit in quiet conversation with God, and the space to do my devotions and blog work.

  

Hope for the Weary Mom - Continues Tomorrow

The whole family went to visit my mom and dad in Nevada this past weekend. I really wanted to get away from home, relax, and have some breathing room from the stress of buying a house. But I think I stressed just as much at my mom's as I was at home. But I love visiting my parents, its home for me ♥ Our oldest daughter has been staying with the parents for the past couple weeks after finding out that she has been getting herself into some major trouble. (I'll talk more about that in a later post).

We went and walked around Virginia City NV, and then went to the shooting range. Yes we are a family that shoots together :) Cloe got her first gun a little pink .22 so cute, and she had fun shooting off a couple rounds with her dad. I'm planning a trip to go up again soon, alone so that my mom and I can get our Junkin' on. I can't wait!!!! That will be a post you wont want to miss, lots of thrifting and antiquing, eye candy for all you vintage lovers.

We came home Sunday and I was beat, which carried over to Monday. It was about 108 here and I did not feel well at all. I have heard of people talk about the tiredness of MS, an exhaustion that hits hard. Well I felt it yesterday. An all over tired where my limbs felt heavy and I just had to take a long nap. I talked about how I take strong pride in the way my home looks and is taken care of. Well my husband came home yesterday very irritated that the house was a mess. It made me feel like I had failed as a wife, that I wasn't doing my duty to take care of my home. He didn't think about my not feeling well, or how I might feel at his outpouring of irritation about the way the house looked. I think this will be the hardest part about having MS, not being able to do it all and hoping that my family will help and be understanding. So many things to adjust too.

So now that you are all up date there is some exciting news about the house we are trying to purchase - we are having the home inspection done today and the appraisal later this week. I'm starting to put my doubt about us getting the house behind me and starting to get excited about moving.

I hope you join me tomorrow for the continuation of Hope for the Weary Mom.

God bless and have a wonderful day!

MS Update

Well its been a week since I started Copaxone. I was so scared of the idea of injecting myself before I started I was sure that I was going to break down that first time, but I didn't. I have yet to break down about any of it...do you think I am in DENIAL?

The injections are going perfectly, no problems yet. It really doesn't hurt as much as you would think, the needle is so small and its all over in a few seconds. It will take time for it to help, and I know that there are sure to be bumpy roads ahead, since MS is one of the most unpredictable diseases...there are no road maps.

For those of you reading this that have MS and take Copaxone what were/are your side effects? I have been feeling sleepless, a little more tired than normal, and some nausea (but it could be nerves and the stresses of trying to buy a house, which prepare yourself you will be hearing alot more about in the weeks to come.)

It's strange to reach out to complete strangers and I now have something in common with because I have MS.

"Friendship is born at that moment 

when one person says to another

 'What! You too?' I thought I was the only one."

 ~ C.S. Lewis

Hope for the Weary Mom - Chapter 2

2. Embracing Our Weakness

This chapter spoke straight to my heart and situation when we had our youngest. None of our friends had babies all their kids were 8 and over, so when I had Cloe I didn't have a girlfriend to talk to about being a new mom again (my girls are 10 years apart). I saw rather quickly how my friends didn't send me invitations hang at the lake go shopping. And I felt that my having a little one was a burden and I was alone. As she got older her energy level was through the roof and still is, a bit of a wild child. She was a toddler into everything within arms reach, even my best friend said she wasn't going to rearrange her house to accommodate a toddler that wasn't her own. Ouch right? So I started to withdraw BIG time, I didn't want to go anywhere because my house was all set up for your little one. Even now I still feel big time stress when going shopping or going to a new place with Cloe. This stress presents itself as embarrassment, anger, hateful feelings, and being really snappy and short with Cloe. 

This past Tuesday my husband and I plus Cloe and our real estate agent went and looked at 2 homes that are currently occupied. When we got home I was completely stressed to the max. I snapped and yelled at my little Cloe and my husband and it carried over into yesterday. I started an injectable medication for my MS and the stress of it all broke me. I felt alone! But this feeling is often a lie, a lie to keep us walled off from our loved ones and God. The key is to EMBRACE OUR WEAKNESS 

Brooke and Stacey write "It's OK to feel lost. It's OK to need help. It's OK to be weak."

2 Corinthians 12:9 & 10

" "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me." "For when I am, then I am strong" "

Its important to be honest about where you are in life, what your going through, who you are, and who you are not.

From my Journal,

Since my post above was rather long and I will share the answer to question  3 & 5.

3. Not being the mom I think I should be makes me feel sad, let down, frustrated, and incomplete. I want to be so much better, have more time, share, and talk more. My teenager makes me feel like I can never be what she needs. HELPLESSNESS

What are my weaknesses

1. Not enough patience (even my husband agreed with this one)

2. Quick to make a negative assessment

3. Jumping to conclusions

4. I get stressed out quickly and easily

5. I use harsh words and / or a harsh tone

A Whirlwind

The past 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of medical information, trying to purchase a house, feeling like crap / being in pain, kids getting into trouble and kids getting sick. Today I am nearing my wits end...I am exhausted and just don't feel good. And I don't want to deal with house offers, missing meds, and my youngest' nasty cough.

I really want to climb in the bath and then crawl into bed and stay there for the next few days. But there is no possible way that I can do that, the bath ok maybe. But I'm a mom and a wife I have things to get done and my family to take care of, I can't just check out. Today I'm just praying for my daughter to feel better and not have her third double ear infection in two months, and for my oldest who is making really bad choices and getting into trouble to have a new beginning. It's funny how when I feel like throwing in the towel my prayers are always for others to get better or be better. Maybe I need to turn my prayer attention to myself...

God -

Please hold my hand and keep me in your comforting arms. Help through feeling bad and through the pain. Speak to my heart on buying a house. Help me to stay strong in body and spirit through dealing with RRMS. Thank you for keeping my family safe and for the many blessing we receive. Without your love and guidance we would be wondering in the dark.

Please help Shay away from the friends that are leading her astray. Help her make good choices and be the bright happy kid she should be. Please give her a crossroads and guide her down a path where she wont have regrets and heartache. Remind her of your love and that her family loves her, we only want great things for her.

Amen

MS Update

I feel really bad about not posting on a regular basis and not having a current devotion / study going. But with Dr. appointments and trying to do all the research I can on MS and medications, I just haven't had the time to sit with my bible and then with my blog.

I went to the Dr. on Tuesday and went with a long list of questions. My doctor was great he answered each question and explained everything. I have Relapsing and Remitting MS (RRMS) this is the best to have compared to Progressive MS. The thing that worries me the most is my doctor said that I have a well established case, meaning I have alot of lesions (also called plaques) which are areas of scare tissue. I have them from my brain down my spinal column to the T10 - T11 area (mid back).

"Treatment needs to be started NOW." thats what my doctor said. He is worried that if I don't start treatment it would be detrimental. And starting now will slow the disease and my symptoms....balance issues, memory / brain fog, tingling and burning from the waist down, itching, etc.

After talking about 8 different medications we decided that we would start with the medication that has the longest / best track record and has the least amount of side effects (this can differ greatly from patient to patient) Copaxone. It has to be injected 3 times a week and it is a pre-loaded pen similar to an Epipen. I wont start the injects for about 2 weeks, they have to be mailed to me and then a nurse has to come out and show me how to inject.

The thing I am worried about the most is the possible side effects, fatigue, nausea, body aches, and weight gain. I am a stay at home mom to a VERY active 3.5 year old daughter and with my limitations from my back injury (an impingement and herniation in my low back) I need to be at my best all the time. I need to go to the gym and do what I can do to stay in shape (ha in shape, well going to the gym and doing my limited workout so that I can try to keep losing weight and trying to get in shape). I don't want to be sick and stuck in bed, having to rely on my family and friends to take care of my kids and my house, etc.

I guess I have to take my husbands advise to stop worrying, we will deal with it as it comes. I have to remember to give it to God, stop trying to handle it all alone for He is the one who controls the situation. I pray each day that He will continue to hold my hand and keep me in his loving arms through this whole thing. God would not have put where I am if there was not a purpose!

Today is the Day

Today is the day that I meet with my Neurologist to discuss and finalize the start of my MS (multiple sclerosis) treatment. I have to be 100% honest I am struggling today. My husband keeps telling me not to stress that we will deal with it as it comes, one day at a time. But I'm scared of what treatment might bring, sickness, fatigue, and the inability to be me...a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend and in-charge of my household.

I am so emotional and stressed. I found this website / webpage and it reminded me that sitting in worry is not what I should be doing right now, there is someone that I should be turning to for comfort, God.

http://godsgracefulness.com

The moment I feel afraid or overwhelmed, I reach for His hand. I go directly to Him and pray.  It wasn’t always this easy. I used to just sit and worry. I would worry so much that I’d forget to pray and read the Word.

Many times we get overwhelmed with life and forget how big our God is!  God is always there to comfort us and reminding us we need to seek Him at all times in the good and bad.

Four things I’d like for us to keep in mind when feeling afraid, faithless, or overwhelmed:

1. God will comfort us: Remember your word to your servant, in which you have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, that Your promisegives me life.  -Psalm 119:51

2. God wants us to rejoice in Hope and in His promises: Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. -Romans 12:12

3. Remain in His peace: I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. -John 16:33

4. Keep the faith and fight the good fight: I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. -2Tim. 4:7

I'm not done, I have so much more to share

I wanted all my readers and followers to know that I have not abandoned my blog, I have so much to share. I am trying to figure out my MS diagnosis, 2nd opinion, treatment, etc. With all of this medical / insurance stuff I have to take some time off from blogging. I will be back next week with a new bible study series and an update on my condition and hopefully treatment.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.

Sorry for My Absence

Hey yall, I am sorry I have been absence the last couple days. I just found out that I have MS (Multiple Sclerosis). So I have been a little overwhelmed with learning all about the disease and all the treatment plans. I can honestly say that God has been holding my hand all along the way. I normally would have been a complete mess, but from the minute I left the doctors office I prayed for his comfort and strength and I am managing.

I would love it if there are any of you reading that have MS could comment and let me know your story. 

For more information on MS check out http://www.nationalmssociety.org/ and their blog @ http://www.msconnection.org/Blog